Friday, March 26, 2010

don't look and just pray

There is a mothering quote that goes something like this: The decision to have a child is a decision to have your heart walking outside your body.... I have felt my heart walking around unprotected, vulnerable many many times. Sometimes my heart feels that I am being judged by others through my children, sometimes it is full of anxiety for what lies ahead in their lives. It breaks when they are so upset. Often, my heart is full of wonder and with that wonder there is joy, peace and love and who these small people are in my life. Yesterday, mixed with that wonder and amazement, though, was absolute terror. Heart-attack terror. I question(ed) our parenting judgement as I stood atop the 20 vertical foot climbing rock taking pictures of my 3 year-old free climbing with dad behind. I had to turn away to catch my breath and say a prayer to keep from completely loosing it. I think some REI rock climbing wall days are in our future so we can do this event a little more safely.

1 comment:

  1. sarah! you are amazing! i love the way you articulated your feeling of motherhood. i am have just begun the journey but oh is it wondrous and scary in equal measure. i love learning how to be a mother from you. i am always quoting you to people. that time when you said c was in a 'challenging developmental phase" really stuck in my head. as j navigates the walking and talking world of a toddler he struggles with frustration. he sometimes has tantrums and instead of getting upset myself i look at him and think, poor thing. he is really suffering. before i had a child and saw kids having tantrums i thought i could never deal with that. now i can not only deal with it, but bc of the perspective you gave me i can empathize and love my him through the difficulties of becoming fully human!!

    missssss you!! xo and love, P